Monday, March 16, 2009

Top 10 new names for former "enemy combatants" at Gitmo

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (right), Walid Bin Attash (center) and Ramzi Bin al Shibh at December 8 hearing in Guantanamo Bay

In yet another story released quietly on a Friday, President Obama threw the increasingly disappointed left wing of his party another bone by announcing that detainees held at Gitmo will no longer be called "unlawful enemy combatants," the scary name applied to them by the Bush Administration. What's more, Obama will no longer rely on Bush's assertion of Presidential authority as commander in chief in wartime to detain them. He's not saying that he does not have that authority, but only that he's not relying on it. He's relying instead on authority granted by Congress and principles of international law.

Got that? Anyway, the upshot is that said detainees will continue to be detainees at Gitmo until one thing or another happens to them, which is to be decided by someone or other later, but not now.

Meanwhile, what to call these babies? Having given the matter serious thought for at least as long as it takes to say, Change, herewith are my Top 10 for Presidential consideration:

Number 10 -- Detainees Formerly Known as Enemy Combatants

Number 9 -- The Gitmo 250

Number 8 -- Detainees Under Detailed Examination and Scrutiny (DUDES)

Number 7 -- Qaedettes

Number 6 -- Foreigners Under Captivity (FUCs)

Number 5 -- Radicals Arrested Temporarily (RATs)

Number 4 -- Persons In Need of Unusual Penal Solitude (PINUPS)

Number 3 -- OsamaCons

Number 2 -- Jihadis-in-the-Jug

Number 1 -- Prisoners, What Prisoners?

OK, got a better one? Post it in a comment.


  1. - Rodents Of Unusual Sentience (Obligatory Princess Bride reference)
    - Friendship-challenged persons engaged in aggression-centered diplomacy

    10,8, and 4 are my personal favorites.

  2. Very, very clever and entertaining! I'm not a witty person, so I suggest putting the word "bastards" after RAT. I have young boys in the house, so body humor is very popular.
    How 'bout...Fanatic Antisocial Religious Terrorists (FARTs).

  3. What about "undocumented freedom fighters" (NRO)?

    Great post.