Running marathons causes global warming (just like being fat!)

Pity the poor earth as these carbon-spewing mobs proliferate

Yesterday, there was a widely circulated report about how some scientists claim that fat people make global warming a lot worse. It seems that fat people eat more (duh) and that the production and transportation of food is "a major factor in the CO2 emissions that contribute to global warming," accounting for "about one fifth of greenhouse gasses." Said one scientist, "Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler."

So you fatties are disproportionately responsible for ruining the planet, and we may have to take away your Twinkies.

Fair enough. But since the problem here is consuming more than your needed share of carbon-causing food, what about the millions of svelte, in-shape, exercise fanatics (who generally are the higher, nobler sort of people who want to help save the planet)? Specifically, the hundreds of thousands in this country alone who train for marathons every year?

Here are the grim, earth-destroying facts.

A 160-pound man who trains for and runs marathons at a moderate pace and intensity needs, on average, nearly 4,000 calories a day during training, which is virtually year-round for many dedicated runners. If the same man does not exercise at all except to get to and from his desk job and watch TV, he needs less than 2,000 calories a day -- or about half as much food as the runner. An advanced, more intense runner is an even more deadly enemy to the polar bears, burning a whopping 5,500 calories a day!

Of course, if our average 160-pound couch potato ate 5,500 calories a day worth of god knows what, he'd probably look like this guy and have to endure public scorn, while these massive CO2 producers are admired and lionized.

So, if the earth really means anything to you, take to your couches and stay there.

Got any thoughts about this rampant runner selfishness? Post a comment.